Pete Hegseth Replaced By Sentient Gun

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a whirlwind press conference on Thursday, the White House revealed that Secretary of War Pete Hegseth was replaced by a sentient gun named Gunny. Sporting large googly eyes and a cartoon-mascot-like demeanor, Gunny delivered the news that Hegseth was fired after “artistic and creative differences with President Trump.”

“Well hi there, folks! I’m Gunny, the talking gun!” Gunny announced, in a squeaky tone reminiscent of a circus clown. “Do you wanna go to war with Iran? Boy howdy, I sure do! Come on!” Gunny squealed before breaking into a song about invading the Middle East to the tune of the “Let’s All Go To The Lobby” jingle. He also performed a two-step and tossed out .45 caliber bullets to a dwindling pool of media coverage.

Hegseth was initially said to be unreachable for comment, but was located at a bar just one block away from Pennsylvania Avenue. “I worked so damn hard,” Hegseth said, wiping a tear away while downing a Bud Light Lime. “All my non-education. All my non-experience. Wiped away by that Glock-eyed piece of…” Hegseth said, before trailing off and resting his head on the beer-stained countertop. The former secretary reportedly plans to get his feet back under him by opening an axe-throwing business only accessible to “alpha males.” 

Gunny’s previous experience is unknown, as are its origins and beliefs. At the time of this article, a Daily Wire reporter is in the hospital after “startling” Gunny and getting shot in the thigh. “Oh, dear! You can’t sneak up on me! Or I’ll get real cross!” Gunny screamed before scurrying off and drinking a bottle of gun polish given to him as a gift by President Trump.