Newsom v DeSantis boxing match to be streamed on Twitch
As governors DeSantis’ and Newsom’s migrant bussing feud heats up, the leaders are looking to let off a little steam in the most American way possible. The governors have agreed to a boxing match that will be live-streamed on Twitch by DeSantis’ “Techie” nephew. Governor Newsom is said to have challenged DeSantis, accusing the Florida Governor of “pursuing political theater instead of actually solving problems,” and claiming that he was going to “actually do something about the crisis,” by challenging him to a Twitch streamed boxing match.
“The people of Florida don’t want to see me talk about infrastructure. They wanna see me do cool stuff, like ship people across state lines, or beat up a guy from California,” said Ron DeSantis. “And as Governor, it’s my job to give my constituents what they want,” he said with a smile before his face soured. “And I damn well better give them what they want, with that Greg Abbot asshole taking all the limelight with that migrant bus stunt. You know what? If it wasn’t too late I’d have put that guy in a wheelchair myself. But that’s beside the point, which is that I'm gonna kick Newsom's ass.” When asked how he was preparing for the match, DeSantis said, “I’m just sticking to the basics. I honestly don’t have to prepare much. Newsom is gonna learn pretty soon that these fists don’t care about his feelings.”
The Eggplant was able to speak to Governor Newsom shortly before he took to the ring. “I’ve got this in the bag. I’m feeling pumped up, and Jake Paul’s next.” He took a rip of adrenochrome before continuing his rambling, “The ratings on this are gonna be insane. Ron’s had too much media attention for too long and now it’s Gavin’s time to shine. This is gonna be the greatest thing I ever did as Governor, and it’s gonna make me a star! Think about that, I could be more famous than Obama!.” When asked about long-term plans for the migrants or how we should go about border policy, Newsom said “I’ll show you a plan,” and ran out into the ring.
The match was held last Saturday in Tallahassee and millions tuned in to twitch to watch. The match went on for the full 10 rounds without a knockout. Newsom, still feeling pumped, clearly outperformed DeSantis in the first half. However, once his ‘training aid’ began to wear, DeSantis reminded Newsom of what it meant to face a Florida man. The next 4 rounds clearly went in DeSantis’ favor, with the Florida man saying “If things keep going my way. I’ll be the best Ronald since Reagan,” during a mid-match interview. The tenth round ended with no clear winner, both governors spending most of the round shouting talking points into the cameras and eagerly watching the view counter. After much deliberation (and several claims of fraud) the match went to Governor Newsom. A breakdown of the judge’s decision will be on the front page of the New York Times, and plans for the bussed migrants on page 4.