Stoner Holds Bong Hostage. Ransom: Listening to the Story They Don’t Remember
Last night at 11:42 am a 2’5” Pickle Rick bong was seen in the grasps of one extremely high 20-year-old. The victim was finally returned after precisely 17 minutes of torture that consisted of reckless waving and psychological play as the bong-napper continuously brought the glass to his lips but denied hit completion. The suspect, Gabriel Acosta, passively refused rotation despite multiple stares of witnesses and issued a ransom that asked for all members of the sesh to listen to his story about what happened at Publix today. However, the promise of passing was soon broken as witnesses realized Acosta himself could not even remember what happened at Publix today.
“Bro that was the longest 17 minutes of my life,” said Declan Rothenberg, an eye witness and sesh member that was next in line for the coveted puff position. “It’s like at first he was on track but then he told this side story about how he went in to get tea because he’s been trying to fix his caffeine addiction and then suddenly we’re talking about Buddhism and all I could see was Rick’s eyes pleading with me as Gabe edged his rim again! Totally fucked.” Rothenberg has been seeing a counselor since the incident in order to manage his trauma.
“I’ve never been handled like that in my life,” recalled the victim, who has yet to be removed from the toxic environment despite many pleas. “In front of everyone, my closest friend waved me around like some sort of cheap pipe he found on the street, spilled my water everywhere, and even used me as some sort of commodity to get his story in. I don’t even think he knew what it was to begin with if we’re being honest. Like, who the fuck cares that some guy stepped on the back of your shoe when the whole room is watching you tease my hole? Those guys don’t even fucking care about how I felt about it. They just wanted their “fair” share of me like everyone else. What do I look like? Gamestop?”
The suspect in question has been released from all charges since he’s the one with the med card. Despite this forgiving sentence, many wonder of the safety of their families with a delinquent such as this roaming the streets. Forgetful fiend or cracked criminal? The jury is still out on this question, but may this be a cautionary tale to those who may find themselves in the same unfortunate scenario; puff pass perform.