Waiter Traumatized by Trying to Organize Your Fourteen Person Party’s Separate Checks

Much like stories of vampires and boogeyman, stories of big, unannounced parties arriving at restaurants have haunted man for centuries. For as long as there have been people on Earth, there have been rude groups of friends. There are pictures of medieval waiters screaming in horror as ten people show up to their humble taverns. These horrors continue well into the present day and even in Tallahassee. The staff of Gordo’s, Midtown Caboose, and Kool Beanz Cafe all quiver at the thought of ten plus people walking through the front door. Their insistence on paying separately and being a general nuisance scares even the veteran employees at some of these fine establishments.

“One of the fourteen people had the audacity to pull out cash. I had to make change with one hand while I fumbled with thirteen other credit cards in my other hand,” recounted victim and local waitress Ally Lineville as she thought about how the tip was still under twenty percent. “I have worked here for two years and I am still seeing a therapist over that nightmare party. They kept requesting new appetizers. It takes a special type of masochist to order a house salad, crab rangoon, and a Blooming Onion before your meal. This isn’t even Outback. I don’t know why we made them order a Blooming Onion. Hell, I tried to hand back the checks at the end and mixed up which customer had the Starbucks 2017 credit card. I tried to hand it to seven different frat guys at that godforsaken table. They kept saying, ‘Oh, that’s Hunter’s card’ and pointing at a different person across the table. I thought they were fucking with me until it became clear that they did not know who was who.”

“We tried calling before we showed up so they had time to prepare! We just happened to call mere seconds before we graced them with our presence,” argued patron Ellie Calzone as she ushered in the fifteenth wave of her friends. “I just think that people should be flexible! It’s the job of the staff to accommodate me and treat me like royalty after all. As the customer, I have the right to bring my few, closest, five hundred friends into an Applebee’s or First Watch and be served accordingly. It really can’t be that difficult. Just take every other table in the room and every other seat for our party. It’s very, very important that we celebrate Jolene’s fifth place trophy at the Dance Dance Revolution Marathon Fundraiser. We raised more money than any of you will make in a month anyway, so give us some respect. Have I ever worked as a waitress? No, absolutely not. Why would you ask that?”

At the time of this article, we have not heard word from several restaurants. Much like ships lost in Bermuda, we assume the masses have devoured the waiters and cooks. We’re still sending out signals via smoke fire to see if we can get a response but all has been quiet. Too quiet...