Thrasher Passes Bill Allowing University to Discriminate Based on if You’re a Fuckin’ Nerd

Following Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant (R) signing a bill into law legalizing discrimination against the LBGTQ+ community, FSU President John Thrasher has jumped on the bandwagon of bigotry and signed his own bill into law, effective immediately: Florida State University employees may now discriminate based on whether they think you’re a fuckin’ nerd.  

“Finally!” President Thrasher exclaimed, double-fisting ice cream cones on Landis while showing how low he could go during the Cha-Cha Slide. “FSU is one of the top party schools in the nation. I need students who are dedicated to keeping that title alive. Students who really ‘Fuck Shit Up,’ you know? If a 6-pack of new highlighters is more appealing than a 6-pack of brewskies, then take a hike! No room for dweebs on my campus!”

Mississippi’s clusterfuck of hate-fueled legislation allows public and private businesses to refuse service to individuals on religious grounds, as well as deny them certain forms of counseling, medical services and adoptions. “Two consenting adults getting married doesn’t affect my life in any way, but all is fair in love and fear-mongering,” said Governor Bryant, considering clearing gay porn from his browsing history before saving it in his ‘Research’ folder. “And by the way, this bill also discriminates against people who have sex out of wedlock AND transgender people, so don’t say I’m not being inclusive.”

“Using religion to deny scientific evidence of how Earth was created is one thing,” said President Thrasher, trying to figure out how to steal someone’s lunch money if they have a meal plan. “Using it to deny service is quite another. I would never discriminate like that—unless you’re a homework-loving poindexter! Then the only services you’re getting are swirlies and extreme wedgies!”