10 More Obtuse Concepts to Mansplain After Cryptocurrency Dies

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 1.49.18 PM.png

Bitcoin and its cousins have an unstable future, but that doesn’t mean your intellectual superiority needs to suffer. Cryptocurrency was a talking point very close to your heart as a perfect intersection of economics & cool kinds of Alienware gamer computing, but you’re no one trick pony. Here are some other topics you’ve convinced yourself you know more than anyone else about and it’s time you got out there and enlightened the dolts!

1. Spider Cheese

Most people throw away perfectly good webs of spider milk when they’re cleaning their house and don’t realize that if you save it, ball it up, cook it down on the stove in some broth and push it through some cheesecloth you get spider cheese. Goths are made very horny by learning this. Spider cheese is vegan, as are most other things if you’re good enough at arguing.

2. Towels

Did you all know the gym blankets they give you for cleaning your showersweats come in Home style? It’s time to share the good news. There are even all kinds of colors (make sure your conversation partner is familiar with the concept of colors while you’re at it) and tiers of quality they come in. You will have access to fewer of the bathroom pull-up bars after you get into Towels, but your clothes will be remarkably less wet, allowing you to get to the growler bar dryer and increase the audience of your fun Towels sermon.

3. Actual Coins

These are like bitcoins but from cowboy times. You might have seen them around in fountains or hiding on the ground. Tell your new friends about how good they taste in your mouth and how if a cashier is foolish enough you can trick them into accepting them as money for other things like Steam gift cards or the toilet paper you’ve recently learned you’re allowed to use.

4. Nudity

This is one most people assume they know about but some religious sects in Texas wear chaps under their pants until they’re 25 and you do not want to assume the person you’re talking at wasn’t raised this way because that’s rude.

5. Pillowcases

You likely haven’t used one of these in a few years, but the $7.43 you made on Tungocoin should afford you an entry level pillowcase. Make sure you mention it “can be more than just a t-shirt actually” and “covers your drool stains almost entirely.” Bonus: if you’ve been sleeping on a stolen throw pillow from the couch or slinky horseshoe pillow you got on that airplane trip to Vegas last year you can just talk about how the skin of that pillow feels on your cheeks in a really revelatory way.

6. Love

If you forget what love feels like, remind yourself everyone else has too and wing it.

7. Cleaning your asshole

In 2017, we learned it might not be gay to clean your asshole and that it actually will make you stop smelling so bad, allowing you to use less cologne and save money (which you have less of now that Rudecoin fell 400%.) It’s good to go ahead and be braggy with this one, let everyone know you’ve got a clean crumhole and you’re not afraid to sound a little gay for it. The most important thing is to not stop sounding about it, because that could lead to someone else making sounds.

8. Eyelids

As an alpha male you’ve likely never closed your eyes, as that would leave your vital regions vulnerable to attack. You have assuredly winked, though, and to wink you used eyelids. You’ve no doubt noticed the natural coloring on some people’s eyelids but since their eyes hide under them you should take the time to tell people what color their eyehoods are. This is a fun treat and will let them know you pay attention more than anyone else.

9. Moisturizer

Big news, boys: it ain’t just for massaging your chums after a long shift at the microbrewery. This skin milk makes you look younger than you are which is something you should emphasize. Bring small plastic bags of it with you to places and offer to show people what it can do to their old, haggard faces.

10. Listening

You may notice something the next time you stop talking to take a breath: anywhere up to seven women listening impatiently. Now they’re rolling their eyes and obviously being very rude to you and your good story. This is a wonderful opportunity to teach them some good listening strategies they might not have been exposed to, like not talking at all for the whole night

The Eggplant FSU