10 People Who Would Slurp Pesto Thru a Straw

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The invention of pesto has been regarded throughout history as Italy’s crowning achievement, narrowly beating out other Italian achievements such as the first electric battery, the piano and the phrase “bada bing bada boom.” Only a very silly man would dare to criticize delicious pesto. Probably the same silly man who would argue evolution isn’t real or the dress was black and blue or “Young Sheldon” was a television series worth investing money and time into. On the contrary, many intellectuals of our time would probably sip pesto through a straw because many of them are using their brain power to live their best life.

1. Neil Degrasse Tyson

Neil Degrasse Tyson is a suave astrophysicist who just has “it.” His net worth is reportedly around $1 million, most of which we’re assuming is spent on scrumptious pesto.

2. Those Guys Who Created Gravitational Waves Or Whatever

What they lack in raw sex appeal, they make up for by having big ‘ole brains, which would inevitably lead them to the conclusion that no penne dish is complete without a straw and twelve ounces of pesto.

3. Karlie Kloss In A Lab Coat

Admittedly she makes us feel a little squirmy, although we couldn’t tell you exactly why. But that labcoat means she’s certified to do smart people things like algebra, open heart surgery and slurping authentic genovese pesto through a crazy straw.

4. Ruth Bader Ginsburg

How does our favorite Supreme Court Justice stay energized throughout a day of intense hearings? We have no evidence to confirm this, but it is safe to assume that she snorts powdered pesto during her fifteen minute recesses.

5. 2 Chainz

Remember when you found out that 2 Chainz graduated with a higher GPA than you? While you were in your thirteenth hour of studying for your business calc final sophomore year, 2 Chainz was slurping up some sweet brain juice, otherwise known as pesto, through a solid gold bendy straw. 

6. Dirac Library

Source: https://www.lib.fsu.edu/rooms-and-study-spaces

Source: https://www.lib.fsu.edu/rooms-and-study-spaces

Few know that our library itself won a nobel prize, but even fewer know that there is a pulsating vat of pesto underneath the library, fueling it, allowing it to grow stronger with each passing day…

7. Dolphins

Dolphins are one of the most intelligent animals on earth, as exemplified by the fact that they have developed their own highly evolved spoken language, which they use to exchange pesto recipes.  

8. The House from Smart House

Pat was the first example of Artificial Intelligence in the modern era. She could do wild things like absorb spills, play loud music and make up to twenty-seven pounds of pesto at a time, which is the daily recommended amount of pesto intake for true happiness.

9. An Accountant

According to our calculations, accountants do something with numbers and taxes, which are both very hard things to understand. What’s not hard to understand? Every good accountant takes a Tervis full of pesto to work to sip on throughout the day.

10.  Cat Owners

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Cat owners have a lot of things figured out. For example, there are no widdle tootsies on this earth as adorable as widdle kitty tootsies. Therefore, we can conclude that cat owners have it figured out when they tell us that the best way to bathe is by descending oneself into a bathtub full of fresh pesto sauce.

The Eggplant FSU