If You Don’t Know These References You’re Definitely Too Young

1. Backgammon.

    Back in the day, the REAL ragers were when everyone would drink warm milk and play backgammon while Louis Armstrong played on vinyl. “Pregame” was the 10 minutes spent heating your milk on a cast iron parlor stove before the backgammon match. “BYOB” meant bring your own board and “swipe right” was a checker move that would utterly pulverize your opponent.

2. Walking To And From School Two Miles, Uphill, Rain Or Shine.

Way back when, public transportation was rarer than A Bradley Cooper film without Jennifer Lawrence. Only the kids whose family had serious ties with the shipping and railroad industries could afford to take a horse-drawn vehicle to school. All them other kids had to walk by foot for miles, often through torrential rain, in order to receive even a half-rate education in segregated classrooms.

3. Sun dials.

In days now long forgotten, sun dials were used to tell the hour. For example, if you wanted to know what time Brutus stabbed Caesar, or what time to sacrifice your pet goat to Pan, the Greek deity of pastoral music, you would use your handy dandy sun dial. The ability to read one of these badboys was a sign of mental fitness, especially if it had Roman numerals. If you were a man in ancient Rome who knew how to read a sun dial, ladies adored you. Heck, men would find you pretty irresistible too because homosexual relations were totally okay and normal like they should be.

4. How much you’ve actually grown since the last time you saw your aunt.

You cannot fully understand the size you were the last time you saw your aunt. Unless you found a way to travel through time or find blips in the algorithms of our universe, there simply is no way. You are too young.

5. The invention of fire.

Back in the old days, ‘fire’ was more than just an adjective to describe a mixtape. In fact, the invention of fire was perhaps the single most important event on man’s path to world domination!

The Eggplant FSU