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The Eggplant
A Troubling Look Into an R.A.’s Single Dorm
A Troubling Look Into an R.A.’s Single Dorm

Everybody knows that Resident Assistants are the coolest people in the dorms.

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The Eggplant FSUOctober 2, 2020
Seminole Dining Absolutely Thrilled Top Symptom of COVID Is Loss of Taste and Smell
Seminole Dining Absolutely Thrilled Top Symptom of COVID Is Loss of Taste and Smell

While everything about our lives has changed (no more parties, in-person classes, or social events), some things have comfortingly stayed the same.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 30, 2020
“We’re Very Lonely,” Union Construction Workers Claim No One Has Talked To Them in Months
“We’re Very Lonely,” Union Construction Workers Claim No One Has Talked To Them in Months

At this point in the extended construction timeline of the new FSU Student Union, we’re coming up on three entire generations without access to free bowling and below ground concerts.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 25, 2020
FSU and UM to Face-off at First-Ever COVID Hotspot Bowl
FSU and UM to Face-off at First-Ever COVID Hotspot Bowl

There’s nothing quite like making student athletes play despite their head coach being down for the count or the pandemic that is--news flash--still going on.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 24, 2020
Mike Norvell Avoiding Eye Contact With Thrasher Following COVID Results Announcement
Mike Norvell Avoiding Eye Contact With Thrasher Following COVID Results Announcement

In the “no *you’re* wrong” shitshow that is 2020, most people can agree that COVID is testing a lot of traditional relationships.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 22, 2020
BREAKING: FSU Board of Trustees Announce Thrasher Replacement: Lake Ella Geese
BREAKING: FSU Board of Trustees Announce Thrasher Replacement: Lake Ella Geese

In a fashion that felt like a one-paragraph break-up text at 3 A.M., Daddy Thrasher announced his sweet release from this COVID-infected hellscape.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 18, 2020
Did the Union Gas Leak Turn the Campus Cats Gay?
Did the Union Gas Leak Turn the Campus Cats Gay?

On top of all their recent crimes, FSU has once again postponed the construction of the new union in hopes of opening in time for the class of 2048’s freshman year.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 17, 2020
Inside Look: The Guys From Last Week's Tailgate
Inside Look: The Guys From Last Week's Tailgate

Nothing is more important to the Florida State community than going to football games, and that includes student safety.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 16, 2020
Campus’ Bell To Be Replaced with Audio of Crows Cawing to Remind Students of Their Mortality
Campus’ Bell To Be Replaced with Audio of Crows Cawing to Remind Students of Their Mortality

Earlier today, the Board of COVID-19 Prevention and the Tallahassee Aviary released a joint statement announcing that the campus bell will be modified to be “more current.”

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 15, 2020
COVID Update: Attendees of Saturday’s Football Game To Be Euthanized Like Dogs
COVID Update: Attendees of Saturday’s Football Game To Be Euthanized Like Dogs

Florida State University, courtesy of Governor Ron DeSantis and our very own President John Thrasher, has quickly become the laughing stock of the United States.

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The Eggplant FSUSeptember 14, 2020
Biology Majors Rally Together To Share Communal Bong in the Name of Testing Darwinism
Biology Majors Rally Together To Share Communal Bong in the Name of Testing Darwinism

While we all learned in elementary school that this world is survival of the fittest, the concept can be hard to believe when there are gremlin folk like Ben Shapiro and UCF students running amuck.



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The Eggplant FSUAugust 27, 2020
Graduating Senior Excited to Move on to Doing Nothing
Graduating Senior Excited to Move on to Doing Nothing

The day every college student has dreamed of has finally arrived: graduation.

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The Eggplant FSUMay 2, 2020
5 Ways to Reinvent Yourself Before Fall 2020
5 Ways to Reinvent Yourself Before Fall 2020

Summer is a great time to get tan and avoid dying from a pandemic. It’s also a great time to reevaluate how your past year at FSU went.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 29, 2020
Seniors Take “It’s Not Alcoholism Until You Graduate” to the Next Level by Not Actually Graduating
Seniors Take “It’s Not Alcoholism Until You Graduate” to the Next Level by Not Actually Graduating

Now that another week of quarantine has rolled by and turned into finals, the feeling of what could have been is weighing heavily on FSU seniors.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 27, 2020
How Is That Guy You Saw Playing Guitar at CDU Once Doing?
How Is That Guy You Saw Playing Guitar at CDU Once Doing?

A tragic month has passed since anyone wearing Doc Martens has stepped foot in the Wilbury.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 23, 2020
“So, What Are You Guys Doing After This?” Asks Professor on 4/20
“So, What Are You Guys Doing After This?” Asks Professor on 4/20

Today has to be the best day to celebrate one of the “highest” holy days of the year.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 20, 2020
"I Wish We Were in Class," Says Student While Open Mouth Coughing on Laptop
"I Wish We Were in Class," Says Student While Open Mouth Coughing on Laptop

What some believed at first to be nothing more than a brief Hurrication 2.0 has turned into an everlasting nightmare that has made students actually miss being at school.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 16, 2020
Strozier Starbucks’ Baristas Locked Inside With No Knowledge of the Virus
Strozier Starbucks’ Baristas Locked Inside With No Knowledge of the Virus

Ever since Florida State switched to online classes, students have been doing their work from the comfort of their unmade childhood twin bed.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 15, 2020
Cure to COVID-19 Found In Suwannee Dumpster Juice Stream
Cure to COVID-19 Found In Suwannee Dumpster Juice Stream

Florida State University researchers recently discovered that the vaccine needed to cure the Coronavirus has been found in the hazardous fluid that flows out of the Suwannee dining hall dumpster.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 15, 2020
Pushing the Limits of Science: President’s Ice Cream Social Now on Zoom
Pushing the Limits of Science: President’s Ice Cream Social Now on Zoom

In an attempt to find some sort of normalcy and keep up with tradition, an unorthodox method of hosting one of the most anticipated spring events - President’s Ice Cream Social - has been brought to the forefront of student affairs coordinators.

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The Eggplant FSUApril 14, 2020
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