Friend of a Friend Who Visited for Talloween Employs Squatters Rights

TALLAHASSEE, FL– It's that time of year where everyone on planet Earth flocks to Tallahassee like the great crab migration to Christmas Island. UMiami, UF, and UCF students occupy air mattresses and couches across the great capital city, but what happens when they refuse to leave?

Tallahassee is a city like no other; home to one of the top public universities in the United States yet the streets are adorned in beer cans and the memories of life-haunting mistakes– it's no surprise that visiting students from bum-ass schools wouldn’t want to leave. Although it’s important to share our wonderful city's culture, it's integral to protect your overpriced abode. 

Following the tumultuous events of Talloween, multiple Tallahassee residents have had issues removing their distant cousin's friend from the half-deflated air mattress in their trashed living room. Unfortunately these bums have rights. Despite their complete lack of political knowledge, these couch surfers are well-acquainted with the rights given to squatters across the United States. 

Jared Harrison, 19 year old UMiami undergrad, got absolutely hammered during the Friday night Water-Polo function and again the following night at the Rugby party and proceeded to crash on his former soccer teammates kitchen floor. They haven't spoken in a year, but the bond they built sitting on the bench together transcends healthy communication habits. After puking in the dying bushes on the corner of West Tennessee and Copeland, Jared passed out on his teammates vinyl wood flooring and woke up at 3pm the next afternoon. Moved by the degenerate community of the Florida State student body, Jared refused to leave that Sunday. 

I must be transparent– this is a hypothetical, but it could be you if you aren't careful. You may be scared, but you must remember Florida is a uniquely prejudiced state, and that prejudice expands to squatters! Squatters have little to no rights in Florida due to the Anti-Squatter laws of 2024, so call the police and kick those freeloading posers out!