Saudi Arabian Oil Tycoon Purchases FSU Quadball Team
Every year, millions of UK “football” fans tune in to watch their favorite premier league teams face off against one another. What many of these fans don’t know, however, is that some of their favorite teams are under new management and have been for a while. The lucrative oil industry in Saudi Arabia has prompted some of its most dominant tycoons to buy sporting assets abroad. In a recent press conference from FSU Campus Recreation streamed live on Rumble, it was revealed to the world that one such oil tycoon has branched out from the European market and purchased FSU’s own quadball team.
“How is a foreign, unenrolled, oil baron able to buy a student-run club team?” questioned team captain Hugh Davis. The answer is with a lot of money. It is estimated that the acquisition of the team has brought in millions of Saudi Riyals, which, converted into American dollars, is a shitload. Davis expressed his frustration with the new acquisition in his most recent game against USF where he threw the ball extra hard and jogged a little faster than usual. Other players on the team seem much more optimistic about the new ownership. “Dude, we just got put on salary for the season. I make more than my parents combined now,” said one ecstatic player. “Apparently for every championship we win, we get an all-expenses paid trip to Fiji,” said another. But who exactly is the person paying all these expenses?
The Eggplant was lucky enough to sit down with the new owner of the team, although he has asked us to keep his identity a secret for now, so we will respect Rahim’s wishes and keep his identity anonymous. When asked what his plans are for the team, the owner had this to say: “I’m really excited for the future of quadball in the United States. My other oil industry friends back home told me how cool and popular quadball is so I knew I was making a smart investment when I bought the team.” When one of our journalists pointed out the potential inaccuracies with this statement, the unnamed owner quickly stepped out for a cellphone call that we were able to catch some of the pieces of. “Harry Potter?! What the fuck guys? Stop laughing!” We haven’t been able to get in contact with him since.
The owner has since been spotted in Palm Springs, attending business meetings with some of the wealthiest Americans alive today. Our investigative division has been led to conclude that for some unknown reason, the king of quadball has decided he would rather sell his new team to someone else than lead it to victory. We received an exclusive comment from Mike Norvell, coach of The FSU football team, critiquing the quadball team owner’s lack of trust in his team: “At the end of the day, that’s just lazy coaching. If he really wants his team to succeed, he needs to trust that they could make it to the playoffs. Wait– do they have playoffs in quadball? To be honest, I’ve never actually heard of it.”
It’s safe to say that the quad ball team is now the premier sporting league at FSU, completely thanks to the financial support and practical humor of the Saudi Arabian oil industry. Or perhaps, it’s due to the sheer tenacity and will of the quad ball team that they find themselves on top of the metaphorical sporting pyramid. Nope, definitely not. It’s gotta be all that Saudi money.