President McCullough Nearly Blazes Over Students in His BMW Running on Student Tears and Debt
On September 3rd, 2022, before everyone decided they were newfound meteorologists, two students were reportedly crossing the three-way stop in front of Westcott Fountain when FSU’s very own President McCullough nearly ran them over! Ilzabeth (yes, that’s how you spell her name) Wolas was one of the students and recounts the events. “We were coming back from our philosophy class, and took every precaution! Looking both ways, stopping our in-depth conversation about why men compulsively suck our boobies plus inbreeding, and I only had one airpod in! We waited for the FSU bus to mozy on by when we had taken one step in the road and there he was! He almost ran over my Golden Gooses that my mommy gave me after I caught her cheating on my dad who only has 5 weeks to live. The glare from McCullough’s forehead could have blinded me. I swear he even flipped us the bird with BOTH of his chode fingers.” Ever since the incident, word has spread around campus.
“President McCullough ran my pinky toe over once, it was awesome,” recounts freshman Anne Bongu on her way to ENC 2135. “I don’t think he was going to stop, but I puked on his hood so he swerved to get out and yell at me. When I wouldn’t stop crying though, he let me lay in the trunk and drove me to the emergency room. Oh shoot, I did have to sign a ND-something about that though…I heard that’s why his toupee is so big though, it’s full of secrets.”
Students want to take a stand though and have begun hanging flyers with slanderous statements like, “McCullough Viciously tried to run over vulnerable, poor, orphaned, and homeless students walking across the street in front of very own Westcott” and “Not my Thrasher” or “President McCullough, you have a small penis.”
Eggplant Storm Chasers reporters were actually able to track down McCullough. “It was kind of easy because he replaced his horn with this copyright-free crying sound effect. Plus you can follow the trail of loose bills and checks signed by parents and it’ll lead you right to him,” stated a sexy Eggplant writer. When asked about the incident McCullough asked to clarify, “which incident” we were referring to. “Look, kids, I got a lot on my plate right now: Desantis won’t stop booty calling me, freshmans’ moms won’t get out of my DMs, and Ms. Killings and I…had a falling out, but I’m sorry if people are just jealous that my BMW is cooler than theirs.”
As the news has spread like mold in the dorm vents, it is rumored President McCullough’s PR team is collaborating with CDU for a roast night in his honor to hopefully bring his mojo back. There is also talk of figures hanging up poorly designed posters stating “Maybe McCullough is actually a really nice guy,” who is getting around in a BMW…if one thing is certain it’s that Thrasher never hit a student with his car.