Phantom of the Opera? Reports of Ghost Haunting the Ruby Diamond Auditorium Actually Just Some Homeless Guy
Ruby Diamond has been plagued with eerie rumors as of late. Normally, the most chilling energy to fill its walls is the shrieks of theater kids rehearsing the lyrics of the illest rapper on the scene, Lin-Manual Miranda. Despite this fact, a haunting presence lingers in the shadows of the stage wings and has halted the proceedings of casting for the spring musical Phantom of the Opera. Is fiction becoming reality?
Ms. Beth, who directed last spring’s production of, I’m Just a Small Town Girl Who Moved to New York City But the Rent Is Too High, was the first to share her story of the proclaimed ‘Phantom of Ruby Diamond.’ “I was skimming through headshots to prepare casting for the upcoming musical when I saw a glob of phlegm the size of a walnut hit the floor that sent shivers down my spine. I leapt from the stage following the muddy footprints leading toward the bathroom. There, I saw a man on his knees letting out a passionate moan. I wish I could see his backshots— I mean headshots... He shielded his face in shame, a whiteness dripped down his neck. Some might only see it as semen, but I saw the image of what could be a porcelain mask. This peculiar man was someone special, he was the Phantom.”
Ms. Beth found inspiration in the strange man and decided to keep him secret from the rest of her theater students in the hopes to inspire them for the upcoming show. “Oh, Jiff? Yeah, he’s been squatting in the bathrooms since August.” Derek, an FSU Theater Major, explained. When asked whether Jiff has the kind of star quality to be a part of a musical production Derek replied, “I’ve never really heard him talk, only moan and sometimes growl. I guess he could make a good dancer because he’s so flexible. I’ve seen that dude fold himself into a pretzel and stuff his entire dick in his mouth.” While clearly easy to notice, there seems to be a handful of students unaware of the true identity of the Phantom.
Tina, the lead of last spring’s musical, is pining for the lead in the upcoming show. “I always knew I was destined to play the role of Christine,” she began. “I even felt a ghostly presence whisper from the wings as I practiced my solo,” she sighed longingly. “I heard words of encouragement like ‘Keep going!’ and ‘Yeah, just like that!’” Derek, again, had something else to add, “Yeah that was Jiff. He likes to sneak onto the stage and watch students practice sometimes. It helps him finish faster; he gets really turned on.”
A few weeks later, Ms. Beth finally introduced Jiff to the students. “This man will play the Phantom in our spring production! Everyone, clap for Jiff.” Confused, the students erupted into displaced and unsure applause. Jiff let out a phlegmy cough that shot his eyes in different directions. One staring at Ms. Beth’s tits and the other fixed upon the bathroom. “Please, Jiff, show us who you really are,” Ms. Beth begged. For a moment there was silence. Suddenly, Jiff opened up his crusty lips to let out an explosive burp. The pressure of his release sent Ms. Beth and the rest of her students flying backwards, their hair blowing in Jiff’s wind. His burp came to a halt, and he began to bow; his mouth inching closer and closer to the zipper of his pants. The students burst out crying, ashamed of ever doubting his talents. They had never seen a man of such genius. Applause broke out and they ran onto the stage lifting a horny Jiff up off of his feet. “Jiff! Jiff! Jiff! Jiff,” they chanted. Jiff would be their Phantom.