Student Leaders Powerless Without Uniform Khaki Shorts

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For the majority of students, the most exciting thing to expect during their time at FSU is narrowly missing an MIP charge for the third time at Pots. For others, the pure adrenaline of slipping on a hot piece of clothing straight from Anna Wintour’s worst nightmares does the trick; we are referring, of course, to khaki shorts. Whether paired with a boxy shirt resembling the Gryffindor Quidditch uniforms or a dri-fit polo emblazoned with the departmental logo of choice, nothing makes a power-hungry student’s LinkedIn tingle harder than picking out a pair of shorts colored somewhere between sandy beach and Renegade’s dookie. The mystery of why anyone would buy such an abhorrent piece of clothing has finally been solved; it was confirmed that the light brown turd color is worn for maximum solar absorption to keep those Student Leaders going! 

“The first thing I do every morning after dusting off my National Society of High School Scholars picture frame is iron my sweet, sweet khakis. Even though I’m actually here to barely complete a degree in Communications, my main goal is to leave my mark on this campus. Any attention is better than no attention, right?” asserted Brad Wright, while planning his next scheme to rig the next SGA election to ensure that one group of nearly identical people win over another. “Besides, these bad boys give me all the confidence and authority I need to boss people around. A material like denim would keep me from attending twenty club meetings in one night or from replying to a freshman from my hometown who has a question about the best Baby Bio teacher—but not my beloved khakis.”

“Every morning I wake up to the sight of my boyfriend staring at his khaki-clad ass in the hall mirror, doing what I can only imagine is his best Jake from State Farm impression for at least 15 uninterrupted minutes. Eventually, he looks at his watch and realizes he’ll be late for a cultural event on campus that’s he’s only attending to rack up some votes in the spring,” commented Wright’s girlfriend Angela Haskins as she removed the earplugs required to block out Wright’s late-night war chant sessions. “One time all of his khakis’ were in the wash, and he had to wear navy to class. Let’s just say, Britney’s 2007 breakdown had nothing on him. And not only does he look ridiculous from showing more thigh than me at my junior prom, but I don’t think there’s enough beige in the world to ward off all the chafing he’ll get from leading new students around campus.” 

From the outside, these students just look like extras for Target commercial or a college pamphlet trying to look culturally diverse. However, it is clear from their khakis that they have acquired at least some form of campus clout. While there’s nothing more vomit-inducing than a khaki-clad student trying to share a fun fact about Westcott fountain, FSU’s population is forever indebted to our student leaders; their impact will never be forgotten. After all, without them, who else would have the perpetual title of worst dressed at a godforsaken 8 a.m. lecture?

The Eggplant FSU