Thank Goodness! Someone Drove Through the Wooden Gate at the Staff Parking Lot, so You Don’t Have To
Whether it’s the fire lane of Traditions Garage or some strange backlot behind one friend’s freshman year roommate’s sorority house, parking is hard. Contrary to what the FSU Parking App tells everybody, every garage is full all the time, and those girls down at Delta Zeta don’t pay $3,000 a semester to have access to that gravel-paved piece of land for nothing! Given these dire conditions, many students are faced with two options: forging their own path by ramming their used ‘02 Corolla through the wooden gate of a staff parking lot, or just waiting another week for someone else to do it for them.
“Ever since someone else started absolutely plowing down those wooden gates, parking has been so much easier. Life is such a breeze when you just go through it with reckless abandon for morals and no respect for personal property!” exclaimed parking spot fiend Parker Kern as she whipped into a red-lined space, making her own ENC2135 professor thirty minutes late to her upcoming lecture. “I know there’s a chance I could get ticketed, but it’s worth it knowing that someone out there totally wrecked their front bumper just so the rest of us could get to class on time, even if I did leave the apartment ten minutes before it was supposed to start.”
“Yeah, I’ve been splitting those babies down the middle since last semester. I’m like the Kool-Aid man. I’ll bust through anything,” said local hero Harley Baevinson as he took a drag from a cigarette and spray-painted a middle finger on the hood of his dad’s Dodge Ram for the fourth time that week. “Who’s gonna stop me? The little guys who drive around in their golf carts all day looking for some purpose? I don’t think so. If the only thing stopping me from a parking spot is a splintered pole and a quick trip to Pep-Boys then there’s really nothing getting between me and the Business lot. Just call me the Karl Marx of FSU Parking and Transportation Services; these are either everyone’s parking spaces or no one’s parking spaces.”
Next time someone has a hard time finding somewhere to put their vehicle before their 11 a.m. seminar, direct them to their closest barrier-less staff parking lot. Lest we forget the brave soldiers that selflessly sacrificed the chrome fronts of their dad’s trucks to take it down, the student body must take advantage and make sure that their offerings weren’t in vain. Mr. Thrasher, tear down those gates! Viva la Revolución!
Image Source: https://www.carhire.com.au/car-rental/virginia/