Local Apartment Complex Propaganda in Full Swing For Tour Season


At the beginning of spring semester, thousands of students rush to sign a lease for next year’s apartment, just like they promised their parents they would do in December. While the search for an apartment with enough security to prevent break-ins but too little to prevent bong rips can be a struggle, it can also be exciting. No one is more excited than every local apartment complex, all of which competitively thrive on the rush of lying to the nubile, fresh-faced students of Tallahassee. Tallahassee is a huge college town, filled with dozens of apartment complexes, all of which spend a lot of effort this time of year simulating the perfect living environment on tours. Complexes promise definite parking, free printing, gym access, bangin’ pool parties, eternal happiness, and more. “Yeah I mean our residents do actually have access to a 24 hour gym with several TV’s to watch while working out,” said local apartment tour guide Joe Santos as he took a break from rewriting the lyrics to Drake’s “Tuesday” to be about rent going up soon. “We just conveniently fail to mention that the remote was misplaced in 2012 and the channel’s been stuck on Fox News ever since then.”

Despite reasonable success in tricking residents this season, apartment complexes have encountered a large obstacle in finding sexy bikini-clad women to hang out by the pool during tours while inadvertently ‘wooing’ and quoting Spring Breakers. “Honestly, I’m booked this season,” said local hot girl Madison Banks over a mimosa at Madison Social. “FSU is already paying me as much as a tenured professor to nonchalantly flirt with touring high school students Monday-Friday, and at least they don’t make me wear a bikini in fucking February.”

This kind of selective tour giving is not a new thing for apartment complexes during this competitive season, but complex owners agree, this year feels special. “We took a lot of inspiration this season from that scene in The Interview when Franco and Rogen first arrive in North Korea and they’re shown only what Kim Jong Un wants them to see,” Explained local complex owner Sally Hersch. “I mean, say what you will about North Korea, but apartment complexes can really learn a thing or two about bullshitting potential residents with propaganda from those guys.”