After an embarrassing season last year, UF has finally taken down the Tebow shrines and accepted that 2008 was a long time ago and football just might not be its thing anymore. Instead, this season the team will be focusing all of its efforts into what it’s calling “the real competition:” ball boys.
All summer, University of Florida’s head coach Will Muschamp has been cutting practices short to audition dozens of ball boy potentials in the hopes of finding one worthy of exceeding the fame and prestige of FSU’s Red Lightning. “Here in Gainesville we really need an ego-boost these days.” Says Muschamp as he eagerly checks his text messages, still having received no reply to his 14th consecutive text to Ryan Locte. “After last season’s record, Tebow’s failure in Pro Football, and that Lorde parody bullshit, it’s been a pretty sad time in the swamp.”
The auditioning process has been long and gruesome, but finally Muschamp has found a ball boy to take the completion by literal storm. Purple Rain, an ex-FSU circus star alienated by circus mom politics, is just what UF needs to not be completely ignored by the media this season. Purple Rain gets his name from his striking purple locks and storm-like ball boy dance moves, and NOT from being Prince’s number one fan. “But just so you know I TOTALLY do worship him,” Says Purple Rain as he artfully makes it rain purple Gatorade on Coach Muschamp and leaps across the field while cradling a matching Furbie. “Hehe scandalous. Football loves me!”
When asked to comment on his new competition, Red Lightning erupted in laughter before dashing off like a majestic, bearded sonic the hedgehog. But in his wake was an audible scream. “Tell that rain boy the REAL storm is coming. And he better brace himself for some lightning. RED LIGHTNING.”