Amelia Thatcher is no everyday woman, or as she would refer to herself “womyn.” She claims to be tearing down FSU’s patriarchy day by day. But this afternoon she put down her picket sign and slipped on a one-piece swimsuit, deciding to spend a few well deserved hours relaxing on Landis Green.
“I’m just so tired of seeing women on Landis Green objectifying themselves.” said Thatcher. “They claim bikinis help them get a more even tan, but is that really what tanning is about? No. Who created the bikini? A man. Does a man really want the best for you? No.” As Thatcher continued to answer her own questions, a couple of guys walked by in complete confusion and asked her “Yo what is wrong with your bikini? Where’s your stomach, girl!?” Thatcher quickly pulled out a pamphlet titled “How to Tell the Patriarchy to Go Fuck Themselves” and handed it over to them. “Now, where were we?”
Shortly after, a group Thatcher described as “bikini clad robots” attempted to lie out next to her, assuming that Thatcher’s one piece would make them look hot comparatively. The girls then pulled out a special edition Lilly Pulitzer iHome and blasted “Talk Dirty to Me” for all of Landis Green to hear. “Are you fucking kidding me?!” screamed Thatcher as she stood up and marched towards them. She then swiftly grabbed their iHome and threw into the fountain with a grin on her face.
“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM?” asked one of the girls as she began to charge towards Thatcher, but quickly retreated after realizing she’d been tanning on her stomach topless. “HELL YEAH, DUDE! THAT’S WHY Y’ALL NEED TO KEEP WEARING BIKINIS! LOOK AT THOSE TITTIES!” exclaimed a member from the same group of guys Thatcher had previously encountered. The “gentleman” then high-fived every man within a 500-foot radius until finally a passing professor asked him kindly to stop.
Despite a minor sexist setback, Thatcher walked away after today’s events satisfied, later commenting, “Sometimes I get called a ‘Feminazi,’ but that’s bullshit. I prefer to see myself instead as a true feminist heroine of our era, soon to join the ranks of great women throughout HER-story, such as Joan of Arc, Amelia Earhart, and Senator Hilary Clinton.”