FSU dad Grant Buckner was devastated last week when his only son and Black Ops partner Matt Buckner showed up at home for spring break, proving he really is a complete loser who had no plans at all.
“I told Matt that either he gets laid this year or we cut him off,” said this FSU dad while we caught up with him at his local golf course last Sunday. “It’s that simple.”
This is not the first time that Matt has shamed the Buckner family name during his time at The Florida State University. “No matter how much he tries to run away from it, Matt is a Buckner and we Buckners we FUCK-her…. Ha ha get it?” said Matt’s father while aggressively refreshing Warchant.com. Matt first started to disappoint his father when he denied a bid to join his father’s fraternity, claiming that he didn’t even rush and had no clue where it even came from. “I pulled some strings for that ungrateful son of a bitch, that’s where!” commented Mr. Buckner as he ashed a Cuban cigar and tuned into Bill O’Reilly complaining about something.
In his time spent not using the condoms his father got him for his birthday, Matt has engaged in various on campus activities, most of which have taken place at FSU’s Student Life Cinema, or as his dad calls it: “The Virgin Headquarters.” Matt has also maintained a 4.0 GPA and has begun to apply to Medical School, intending to pursue an eventual PhD in Biotechnology, but as his dad notes: “probably still doesn’t even know what boobs feel like.”