Local Frat Holds Abstinence Rally


TALLAHASSEE, FL- A local fraternity at The Florida State University has pledged chapter-wide abstinence, giving new meaning to the phrase “Hit It and Quit It.”

When questioned on the story behind this surprising movement frat leader Brad Chugsabrew said: “Club member Trent, was drunk as shit on New Years and was like ‘YO ALL OF OUR RESOLUTION SHOULD BE ABSTINENCE I TRIPLE DOG DARE YOU ALL TO DO IT.’ And well, as you probably know it’s written in our creed that ye shall like always do dares or whatever so yeah we had to do it.”

“Hit It and Quit It” meshes very well with the frat group’s recent controversially titled charity project “Take the Bitches to Pound Town,” wherein brothers pick stray dogs up off the street, bring them to local animal shelters, and attempt to find each pup a home. These guys have definitely got some big hearts, and as recent reports note even bigger blue balls.

Despite its seemingly wholesome roots, “Hit It and Quit it” has stirred up much confusion and controversy, some even residing in the frat itself. “Abstinence, that’s like missing class a lot right?”  Said one frat brother after his celebratory “signed the pledge thing” beer bong chug. “…dude no,” said not even half of the frat men as the rest began to panic.

But quitters they are not and this weekend’s rally will continue as scheduled. So come down to the local frat and learn about why you should pledge abstinence; which is clearly defined on thousands of promotional fliers as “not getting to fuck anybody LIKE LITERALLY NOBODY before marriage [and] NOT skipping class a lot.” The rally will feature definitely no aphrodisiac foods, still some beer though, widespread sex withdrawal symptoms, and maybe even a clown or five. You don’t want to miss it.