Freshman Suspects Suwannee’s Mrs. Killings May Not Actually Love Him


“Baby, I love you!” We’ve all heard these words as we’re swiped into Suwannee dining hall with a hug and a smile. Mrs. Eva Killings is one of the most beloved and well known people at FSU. And if you’re reading this there’s probably about a 92% chance you’ve had this exact experience. Mrs. Killings greets thousands of students’ a day and each time she says “I love you.” Does she? Does Mrs. Killings really love every student at Florida State University? Most would choose not to question the phenomenon that is the heart of Mrs. Killings but one freshman is undergoing an existential crisis that has him doing just this. “She doesn’t even know me,” urges said student who asked to remain nameless but also asked that we include a hint to his identity which is that yes, he does work out. He also noted he is a very unlikable person; classifying himself as a modern day misogynist with a distinct interest in all things Duck Dynasty. “I’m seriously an awful person,” he says as he straightens his Lakers snap back and checks his Tinder messages. “Oh and no I’ve never been to California.”

How is it humanly possible to love every single FSU student? College students are grotesquely arrogant beings experimenting with regular substance abuse and premarital sex. And although some of them probably deserve the love of Mrs. Killings they’re surely disgusting creatures by majority. So what then? Has this student uncovered a painful existential truth that will change the way we perceive our warm entry to Suwannee Dining Hall forever? Or is does Mrs. Killings simply love all without question, existing as a representation of the compassion and kindness we should all strive to emulate? This reporter chooses to believe the latter. Maybe you and the student of question don’t deserve the love of Mrs. Killings but that doesn’t mean she’ll stop loving you. So shut up and let the love of Mrs. Killings live on.