Mike Norvell Partners With Proof Brewing To Unveil New “Mike” IPA
Nowadays, people love a good gimmick. First-name-based alcoholic beverages are all the rage in 2024, and Tallahassee, being a city made up of 18-22 year olds, loves to jump on every short-lived trend. Proof Brewing Co. has decided to capitalize by pairing our love for alcohol and Tallahassee’s sexiest man alive, Mike Norvell. Starting next week, Proof Brewing will unveil its partnership with FSU Football to release an on-tap and bottled option of a “really hoppy” IPA simply called “MIKE.” As one of the biggest and best party schools in the nation, we take pride in being able to create our own uniquely heinous alcohol creations to blackout on. You’ll never be able to guess what the secret ingredient is!
Getting straight to the point, it tastes like our football players' sweaty socks, and trust me, the flavor profile is just right. Marinated with the dirty jockstraps from FSU’s very own football team, you can’t help but taste Jared Verse and the other DE’s skidmarks, which is an intentional and key flavor note in the drink. Cans of the new craft beer were given to anonymous test audiences, a.k.a the dumbest frat guys they could find waiting in line for Pots, and responses were exactly what they’d hoped for. “I’d rather see my Dad naked than drink this shit,” one student said after trying it. He later went on to preorder 5 cases for him and his friends. It seems like every IPA is made to taste awful and “hoppy,” (which we’re also convinced is a made-up word). Sales are predicted to be through the roof on opening weekend though, with multiple Collegetown bars fully prepared to buy stock into MIKE and his fluids.
The alcohol content is reported to be around 15%, but they could definitely be lying. The Eggplant was able to get a sample and that shit isn’t for babies. You might be wondering why anyone would willingly consume something like this, but honestly, I think we abandoned all hope of an answer for anything at FSU a long time ago. “If you’ve ever had an IPA, you know the taste of piss all too well, and that’s exactly what we were going for,” a spokesperson for Proof Brewing commented. It seems that pretentious beer culture brain rot has convinced these people that this drink flavored with sweat from college football players’ socks is, “poundable and refreshing” but we won’t judge…not that much at least. Mike Norvell himself really seems to like the drink, and even went on record to announce that a portion of the proceeds will go directly to himself so that he can bribe kids through the transfer portal with nice ass cars to come to play football for us. Go Noles, am I right?
It looks like this city has a new MIKE in town, not to be confused with the beer barn, the auto repair shop, or the hard lemonade. No one really knows why there are so many Mike-related things in this city but that’s a question for another day. Other first-name-based alcohol companies, like Josh, have reportedly been impressed and are looking at expansion. Make sure you prep your stomachs because this MIKE is gonna be tossing and turning your guts out–pause– with the delicious and refreshing buzz only a town like Tallahassee could produce.