Op-Ed: I Want a Tattoo of a Fork On My Left Ass Cheek

The other day, I asked my mom what she thought of me getting a tattoo. I was disgraced and unsettled to hear that she would prefer that I “at least got something meaningful.” Straight up, what is the point of getting a tattoo before my prefrontal cortex is developed if I am not going to regret it for the next 50 years? 

Every time I see a new 20-year-old with a tattoo, it is their late grandmother’s birthday in Roman numerals on their inner wrist. I’M BOREDDDDD. Everyone gets some kind of sick and twisted nondescript symbol to represent something that deeply matters to them in little dainty line art for the sake of “getting hired” one day. Reality check, people: You have no idea whether or not your neurosurgeon has a tramp stamp! 

Lots of people like to get tattoos that serve as a “reminder” of something. My honest response: A.) How will you remember your brother with whom you talk to 5x a week if the tattoo is behind your fucking ear? B.) Were you planning on forgetting your mother’s favorite flower, and that is why you wanted it permanently marked on your body? Just don’t forget???

If it is hidden under normal clothes, I will never understand why more people don’t get something weird. I want to see more fuckass stuff that people hate after a week. What is the point of tattoos if not regret? Give me a tattoo of a fork on my left ass cheek. Give me one of the 17 species of endangered beetle right above my armpit. Minecraft Ender Dragon tramp stamp. The word “soup” in Comic Sans under my boob. If my tattoos don’t repel the hoes, then something has gone terribly wrong. I am only going to have an undeveloped brain for a few more years! Might as well wreak as much havoc as possible.