Op-Ed: I’m So Tired of White People Thanksgiving Food

I’ve literally had it with white people Thanksgiving food. I can’t stand to go another year having to eat Meemaw’s unseasoned ass turkey. Every year, I feel like Sisyphus thinking I’ve finally pushed the boulder to the top, successfully blocking the diabolical concoctions that will be on my table from my memory, and boom. I’m hit with delicacies straight from the Caucasus Mountains, including (but not limited to) watergate salad, soupy pea slop, and a “broccoli cheese square” that's just a big hunk of cheese with the occasional broccoli floret hidden in the middle as a treat.

Please do NOT get me started on white people gravy, either (when there even is any). If I wanted something runny and fuck nasty to put on my turkey, I would've cooked up a sneeze simultaneously from the depths of my sinuses and the ninth circle of hell and called it a day. And honestly, if I went that route, I think it'd be the lesser of the two evils.

As much as I enjoy getting to spend time with loved ones during the holiday season, the fact that we're apparently terrified of even touching salt and pepper when preparing the food makes it all the more tough to swallow. I truly don't know how much more dry meat, mystery casseroles, or piles of cranberry sludge I can stomach this Thanksgiving. I think it's going to be another year of consuming every single deviled egg on the appetizer plate and admitting defeat, because if there’s any seasoning my fellow white folk isn't afraid of using, it's fucking paprika, of all things.