FSU Student Union’s Proof Brewing Co. Opens “Baked", The Marijuana Sister Store
Since the new Student Union opened up, life on FSU’s campus has improved. The birds’ songs are sweeter, the flowers smell better, and the sun shines brighter. We have to thank FSU not for the building but for the real reason life has improved: their brilliant idea of supplying easily accessible alcohol to the campus. Proof Brewing Company is looking to capitalize on FSU-related marketing schemes yet again by turning its attention to a greener substance students love to get hooked on. I’m talking about that devil’s lettuce if you catch my drift. Starting this summer, right next door to Proof Brewing, the dispensary BAKED will be unveiled. Sometimes you don’t want to take 5 overpriced tequila shots, you want to get so high you get scared.
Logistically, it makes sense. Proof has the resources to make “food,” so BAKED will be utilizing their ovens to start selling brownies. Not the cosmic kind, but the cosmic kind (wink wink). Brownies will be their flagship product but don’t worry you can get it all. Bud, flower, bake, shake, kush, nugs, other synonyms for weed, you name it. Head of Operations for BAKED Marianne Jane, she goes by Mary though, held a press conference last week addressing the new operation. “People have been drinking so much alcohol in the Student Union we wanted to make a healthy change and bring a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘going green’ here at Florida State”, she stated with eyes redder than Mars.
Students and surprisingly staff alike are really excited for opportunities to get crossed while getting their education. For some reason, the HCB Skaters were noticeably excited once a few flyers reached their community. One can only assume that they love supporting local businesses! The most surprising stoner to come out in support, however, was none other than Mrs. Killings. When we asked her why she was excited about BAKED, she exclaimed “I love getting fried, my babies I love you”. God, I didn’t think it was possible to love her even more. It turns out she smells so sweet because she was trying to hide how loud she is at all times. To capitalize on the green (we’re talking money now), even more products catered towards these various groups are set to be on sale. A glassware section for all your Pickle Rick-related paraphernalia, brookies if brownies aren’t your thing, and they’ll have gluten-free and vegan options offered if you’re annoying!
You probably already know how much the people of Tallahassee love drugs, and the weed market is basically untapped besides the 50 “legal dispensaries” across town. With BAKED, it’s like opening a Pandora’s box of fun. Pandora’s box was a good thing, right? I mean the possibility of getting crossed before your 11:35 AM lecture is purely awesome if you ask me. Don’t forget in Florida, weed isn’t recreationally legal, so you’re gonna need a Med Card that staff are definitely for sure checking. If you can’t tell I’m just kidding they won’t be doing that lmao they don't give a fuck.