NFL Proposes Rule Banning ‘Obvious Showcases of Pain’ Following Injury Epidemic
The National Football League is scrambling to solve what analysts have described as an “Injury Epidemic”. The fifth week of the NFL season saw multiple superstars (Ja’Marr Chase, Lamar Jackson, and Saquon Barkley, to name a few) go down and add to a constantly-growing Injury Report. In an attempt to remedy the injury problem, league owners met earlier this week to create a solution. “We’re proposing that obvious showcases of pain following an injury-causing play will result in a fifteen yard penalty for the team of the injured player” read an official statement posted to the NFL Instagram account.
The intent of the proposal is to mitigate the impact large injuries have on the viewing experience. “The league is sick of paying divas; these guys letting the world see their face full of anguish ruins good football,” said one anonymous franchise owner in a Dallas Cowboys hat. The league is looking to distance itself from the “conspiracy that American Football and CTE share some link”. The wider NFL community was mixed on the ramifications of these new policies.
Michael Smith, a 36-year-old lifelong Packers fan said “The amount of back-ups entering the games is just preposterous, it’s ruining the NFL product.” Echoing the concerns many out-of-shape NFL fans share regarding the life-altering injuries impacting the real human beings who play in NFL games. The NFL Player’s Association has yet to release an official statement. “I don’t remember what my grandma looks like,” a retired NFL player and member of the board told the Eggplant.
Further discussions by league owners have considered also banning ‘assistance from other players/staff to get off the field following an injury-causing play’, to encourage players to ‘thug it out’. The proposed rule change is still far from actually being implemented into league play; however, if the injury list continues to grow it one can only be left to wonder: What is the league to do? When will we finally see an 82-game NFL season? Is Trevor Lawrence the MVP?