70-Year-Old Would Take a F***ing Bullet for Garfield

GARY, INDIANA – Residents were stunned on Monday as septuagenarian Ida Hoemann took several hostages inside a local diner. Armed with a small-caliber handgun and a torn copy of “Garfield: Tons of Fun,” Hoemann fired several rounds into the ceiling before demanding that the patrons get on the floor and hand over any Garfield-related merchandise they might have on their person.

Police quickly arrived at the scene, unsure if they should draw their weapons on the beloved schoolteacher. “It was chaos,” said Officer Art Colauge. “Her only demands were that we bring her more Garfield collections. We had to raid my nephew’s stash to keep her talking, but by the time we got to ‘Garfield: Life in the Fat Lane,’ things were getting ugly.” The hostages were held captive for three hours, forced to listen to Hoemann laugh as she read the ‘funny papers.’

Hoemann was successfully disarmed and arrested after she was lured outside with an improvised drawing of Odie by Deputy Bob Trier. “I doodled a lot in high school. I might not be Jim Davis, but luckily, I got the job done just in time,” Trier said at a press conference. All of the hostages were unharmed and released shortly after giving their statements to the authorities.

Hoemann is set to stand trial next week, and has chosen to represent herself. “I didn’t do a thing wrong,” she said outside the courthouse. “Last time I checked, we’re in America. And in America, I have a God-given right to see what antics that old fat cat got up to. You can pry my Garfield from my cold, dead hands.” Her statement was tragically ironic, as she died of shock twenty-six minutes later.