If This Article Blows Up, I Will Switch On My Day Ones

If this article were to gain any traction whatsoever, I want it on record that I will turn on everyone who ever supported me immediately. Hell, if this gets more than two reposts, I’ll switch up. 

The following is a comprehensive list of everything I’ll do the second this post does moderately well:

1.Unfollow every single one of my friends on Instagram.

No warning. No soft launch. I will only refollow you if you somehow become more successful than me later in life, at which point I will comment, “if only they could see us now.”

2. Pretend my teachers said I would never be anything.

All of my teachers were actually quite supportive and impactful in the formative years of my life, but that doesn’t matter. In interviews, I will claim that “They didn’t believe in me.”

3. Talk about my hometown like it was the projects.
What you may remember as a quiet suburb in close proximity to a Whole Foods, I will remember as a constant battle for survival. I’ll say things like, “I had to escape” and “Where I’m from, people don’t dream big.”

4. Refer to family members as “people from my past.”

I like to think of less as cutting people off and more as expanding my circle.

5. Accept any and all brand deals.

Teeth whitening strips, budding cryptocurrencies, or that decorative whiskey bottle shaped like an assault rifle. It’s all on the table.

6. Move to Los Angeles in theory.

I will not actually move. What I will do is post palm trees, rooftop bars, and expertly-cropped beach photos. 

Please understand that none of this is personal. It is strategic and a necessary evolution should this article blow up. So please, share this article so I can pretend like you never did.