Report: It Fucking Ninety In October

Lock up your sweaters, and lather on that sunscreen. Per the National Weather Service, conditions across America are expected to be “absurdly hot as shit for fall” this year. Due to a combination of factors including greenhouse gases and millions of fucking troglodytes using ChatGPT to do their history homework, temperatures are expected to stay in the 80-90-degree range throughout October.

“This is how the world is now. It sucks massive dick. Get used to it,” said Catherine Waller, Chief of Communications for the NWS. “You can thank your parents for chiefing all that aerosol in the eighties. You can thank your colleagues for the AI-generated videos of The Office characters as drill rappers. And you can thank the government for ignoring literally every single fucking warning possible.” Waller then threw a stack of papers in frustration and stormed off, muttering something about “moving to Greenland before it melts.”

Projections estimate a 55% decrease in Billy Crystal sweaters from When Harry Met Sally, along with a large hit to the scarf economy. While fall clothing may be in jeopardy, other fall-related products remain relatively stable. In a leaked shareholder report, Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol wrote, “Put the pumpkin spice shit in everything. Who cares? Those piggies would slop at our trough in July if we put a little pinch of cinnamon in it.”