Op-Ed: We Let our Token Ginger Rate Ginger Ale Brands (The Results May Shock You)

In the spirit of inclusivity, the staff finally let me, their token redhead, take on this initiative after days of advocacy. Despite having no credentials in beverage critique, as someone categorically adjacent, I’ve listed my highly biased findings below: 

  1. Canada Dry: 8.5/10. Polite, reliable, Ginger-passing.

  2. Schweppes: -12/10. Straight up carbonated toilet water. Reminds me of that one Timothee Chalamet interview. (SCHWEP!!!!!!!)

  3. Zero Sugar Publix Brand: 10/10. This generic store brand option actually takes the cake for this jhit.

  4. Seagrams: 3/10. Spiritually cowardly.

  5. Olipop: Refused to rate out of protest. Deemed appropriation.

The Eggplant FSU