Opinion: Listen To The White Album Backwards And Kill Your Situationship

(Guest Article By Yep, Charles Manson)

Folks, it’s the spookiest time of the year. Can’t you see the bats aflutter? Can’t you hear the wail of ghouls and specters? Can’t you feel the unshakable urge to listen to The White Album backwards and kill your situationship? It’s a primal feeling that haunts us all, sure as CVS sells large bags of Skittles and M&M’s. The time to deny your urges is past us. (And yes, in case you were curious, the writer of the article is me, Charles Manson, communicating from Hell.)

My claim to fame was interpreting The Beatles’ seminal self-titled album as a harbinger of our impending doom. And folks, I gotta tell you, I stand by it. I did get one key detail wrong, though–bloody revenge shouldn’t be a race thing. You need to take out God’s will on your situationship! 

Enough of their constant “srry can’t hang out today’s” or “i was taking a nap haha’s;” the hour of their penance has arrived. Just like John Lennon sang, happiness is indeed a warm gun, preferably held firmly in your grip while you blow away the frat boy who’s been blowing off your invites to get coffee. Sexy Sadie won’t be sexy much longer after you remove her from her manipulative perch on this mortal coil.

Helter Skelter shall be unleashed. And if your on-again off-again casual no-strings hookup can’t see that coming, then I pity them. So this Halloween season, be sure to pour yourself a warm glass of cider, put The White Album on in reverse, and gear up to exact God’s vengeance on your situationship. Big CM out.