Op-Ed: Why It’s Important to Organize Your Pinned Contacts in Order From Most to Least Favorite, Reevaluate Weekly
Apple is infamous for their excessive, needless updates. Think of the unnecessary auto-adjustment after finally taking the perfect photo, or the mind-numbing lack of media literacy AI summary of a simple text message. But one update reigns over all: pinned contacts. Useful for so much more than the marketed ideals of easy access to your most contacted pals, the pinned contact feature allows iPhone users to actually rank their friends from most to least liked on their patented nine-tier system.
The feature allows the user to choose any number of rankings from one to nine organized in three rows. This could be translated as tier one through three, or as individual rankings. Whichever option you and your contacts find most intimidating is the option our organization can best recommend. “My friend Grace came to me and asked which system I found most appropriate,” said Bailey, who was ranked at pin number six last week. “Of course, I told her whichever one she preferred, it was her ranking after all. And then I fetched her an organic orange juice.”
The best part of this feature is you can manipulate your friends into being better people. By letting them know in transparency where they fall among the rest of your friends, they are far more motivated to do nice things for you than they would be without an open ranking system. With the pinned contacts at play, your old pal might be covering your dinner the next time you grab food together, or completing a load of your laundry when they know you’ve had a long day.
You might be asking yourself, how do these weekly reevaluations come into play? Great question: another manipulation tactic. The potential pinned contacts will never find themselves too discouraged, they will never feel too far behind or too unreachable, knowing their rankings could change in an instant. In that same vein, the top rankers will never get too comfortable, meaning their hard work in pleasing you will not slow down. That is, without consequences.
The option for the most popular reveal takes place near dawn each Monday morning. Calling a meeting with all pinned contacts — with you, you group leader, at the head of the table — is the perfect way to heighten anxieties and ensure you’re receiving the best possible treatment from your subordinates. If fear of toxicity creeps into your mind, or if you’re worried about the dynamic between your friend group changing, simply pretend you don’t notice.
“I had my reservations in regard to the system,” White House coordinator Mark Shift said when asked about how he found the new method. “But once I realized, ‘Hey, these aren’t real people with real feelings,’ I felt instantly better.” Let us be the first to tell you that the hard work doesn’t have to stop here. Finding loopholes to better your life through iPhone updates is a developing concept, and one only beginning with the tiered pinned contact system.