RFK Jr. Declares Denim Fit For Consumption

In a joint press conference with the Food and Drug Administration, Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced that jeans and other denim-based products were safe to be eaten by American citizens. Claiming that “Big Pharma” and nutrition companies had stifled the consumption of denim for too long, Kennedy aims to bring the clothing material into the working-class diet.

“You’ve got your proteins, you’ve got your starches. But parents need to be vigilant about feeding their kids a healthy serving of denim each day,” Kennedy rasped. “Without denim, how are you going to shed your mortal husks and become a righteous MAHA Archangel?” To prove his point, the Health Secretary then downed a pair of slim-cut Wrangler jeans with a fork and knife

Denim is reported to be a crucial tenet of Kennedy’s new “MAHA Food Pyramid,” which consists of the aforementioned fabric, proteins, oils, gold, the souls of innocent migrants, and loose pills from JD Vance’s mom’s house. In collaboration with the remnants of the Department of Education, Kennedy aims to have all American K-12 students familiar with his health plan by June.