BREAKING: Everyone Saw That Really Embarrassing Thing You Did and We’re All Going To Remember It Forever

Dude, you didn’t know? We saw that. Like, all of us. Yeah, man. That really embarrassing thing you did. You know the one. I’m really sorry, man. You thought you played it off well, but literally all of us saw it. I think everyone else saw it, too. Yeah, like, I already saw someone post about it. It’s all over Yik Yak. There were pictures and everything. 

Wait. Don’t freak out, but I did just get a text from my mom’s friend's son who I only see once a year saying he saw it, too. It’s, like, blowing up. Everyone saw it. We spoke to a couple of people who were present at the time of the incident. “That? Oh, yeah. I saw it,” commented eyewitness Randall Blevins. “I got really bad second-hand embarrassment. I’d never show my face again anywhere.” 

Look. I’m no professional, but I would lay low if I were you. Yeah, no, like, for a while. Not to sway you one way or the other, but have you considered maybe switching schools? Moving states? Maybe even transferring to an off-grid religious commune in buttfuck nowhere Nebraska might be helpful. That’s honestly what I’d do here. This is really, really embarrassing for you. Like, horrifically embarrassing. 

I’m really sorry to say it, dude. You have to flee the country. It’s the only viable option anymore.