Groundhog Day 2016 Results Decided by Coin Toss

As any true American knows, one of the finest features of the land of the free was demonstrated this morning, when early stages of this nation’s fate were decided. However, this year was slightly different. Millions of individuals from either side of the argument came together to determine the outcome of this crucial day in American history, and the decision came down to the wire. It was then that precinct volunteers employed the most sacred of democratic rituals, the coin toss, to determine that the star of 2016, Punxsutawney Phil, did not see his shadow. “That seems pretty fair to me,” said Martin ‘He Has Abs of Steel, but is He Ready to Lead?’ O’Malley as he wandered around an Iowa gymnasium, banking on his aides turning him before he ran into a wall. “Honestly, I’m not sure how any of this works. I just came because my mom said that win or lose, we could get ice cream after.”

While most, like O’Malley, are unsure why one of the most technologically advanced nations in the world still determines anything by a rodent seeing its shadow or by recording votes on scraps of paper in popcorn containers, and when that doesn’t work resorting to a coin toss, some are thrilled.

“It’s a great day to be a Wall Street-funded American!” Said Hillary Clinton, fiddling with five coins that looked eerily similar to the one used by Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight.  “As the kids say, what a time, to be alive, it’s you and yours, versus me and mine!” She then opened up her blazer and revealed a T-shirt that read “Netflix & chill?” before sharing her Uber code - pizzaisbae420 - with voters.

Bernie Sanders has promised free groundhogs stuffed with your college tuition to anyone who comes out and supports him at the next primary in New Hampshire on February 9.