Op-Ed: This Halloween is Going to be So Fucking Annoying

Talloween is once again in full effect and, god, am I pissed off. The rise of niche internet reference 67 labubu-esque costumes has made me feel like I am actually living in hell. What do you mean your friend group is being the three celebrities who died and were reincarnated into Trisha Paytas’s children? God forbid you are just a slutty black cat. Why does it always have to be some dumb shit like slutty Melania Trump visiting the UK?

God, I miss going to Spirit Halloween with my mom and picking out the exact same witch costume as every other bitch in the fourth grade. Gone are the days where the most unique thing you could be is an inanimate object like an M&M or a Crayon. There used to be at least five Elsas and seven Batmans per class and nobody batted an eye! Now you have to choose an obscure pop culture reference from the depths of hell or you’re boring. 

It seems like the only thing that can free me from the shackles of picking a costume is drinking an entire pack of Cutwaters within the span of an hour so I don’t have to give a fuck about why you are dressed as straight RuPaul in But I’m a Cheerleader. I’m going out there in my same traffic cone costume that I wear to every party and I don’t want to remember a second of it.