I’d like to start off by saying that I, a cis-gendered straight white man, have never even murdered anyone. I’ve never drawn one of the many guns I carry in my cargo pockets despite feeling very threatened at Subway. My aggression has never progressed further than shouting slurs at people walking by MY house that MY dad paid for and I’m the bad guy? Something needs to be done about the thin skin of America’s women who won’t date me.
Back when I started at FSU, we would dress up in headdresses and fake blood for football games and we were kings. I didn’t see any Seminoles complaining then, so how come it’s not okay now? If there’s anything I learned from having a maid growing up it’s that you can say anything to people you pay.
College campuses have become fragile safe spaces for whiny, easily-triggered Millennials that reject anything they disagree with, like my many and loud thoughts about biracial pornography. They’re always looking for something to be offended by. My buddy Dave is banned from every Open Mic Night in the city after he said some funny stuff about Palestine that everyone rudely booed him for. Then, I was kicked out of the SLC’s Film Committee because I demanded we play D.W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation at every meeting — and they called ME intolerant! They played Boss Baby that week, which was a clear and direct attack about my small nipples which I would show from time to time so the weaker members of the Film Committee would feel less threatened by my otherwise genetically superior form.
If this generation doesn’t toughen up and start using more slurs and epithets in a funny South Park way we’re going to end up just like those pale piss slurpers in Nova Scotia, building IKEA bunk beds and eating fish that changes your gender or whatever. Quentin Tarantino paved the way of equality for white people to use the N-word and I won’t have my rights denied. Fertility levels are down since the 1970s and I think it’s because we pulled out of Vietnam. If we wanna get back to being a full-nutted nation of red blooded patriots, we’re going to have to plow over these vegan SJWs and speak our minds just like Nixon did. If you need me and my boys we’ll be putting our lives on the line for a statue of Robert E. Lee scalping a puppy.