The Winter Olympics (2018) officially commenced on Wednesday and Team USA managed to look both sexy and fiscally conservative in their official Ralph Lauren uniforms. One alleged libertarian in particular headed up the rear of Team USA with the rest of his annoyingly hot snowboarding teammates: Shaun White, my dude! But while Shaun was having superhuman sex with an Australian freestyle skier in the Olympic Village later that night, I rolled a doobie so fat that it miraculously developed consciousness. Can you tell which of these barely sentient beings said what?
1. “I’m talkin’ ‘bout Mountain Dews, baby!”
2. “I have a lot of pent-up energy.”
3. “Oh darn! I have crashed my favorite Lamborghini!”
4. “Let’s get twisted!”
5. “Team USA throws the best parties!”
6. “Kim Kardashian’s cornrows are cool!”
7. “It’s a shame that American figure skater, Ashley Wagner, didn’t qualify for the 2018 Olympics.”
8. “I’m thinking about getting another sick tat!”
9. “This world is a dark and lonely place. I am simply killing time until someone has the mercy to set me on fire and end me.”
10. “I want to eat a Krispy Kreme donut off of Shaun White’s rock hard body!”
1. Shaun White in a famous CNN interview. However, we think he was actually talking about alcohol!
2. The doobie with consciousness! Doobies have no limbs or muscles so it is extremely hard for them to expel the anxiety they feel inside, whereas Shaun White can expel all of his energy by snowboarding!
3. Shaun White. A doobie with consciousness could never drive a Lamborghini because of the whole no limbs thing. Still, that won’t stop the little guy from gazing longingly out the window, imagining the sweet freedom of cruising down I-75 at 120 mph.
4. Both! While the doobie meant “twisted” as a euphemism for being high, Shaun White meant spinning in the air on a sick halfpipe run!
5. Both again! Go capitalism!
6. Neither! Even snowboarders and sentient doobies know that cultural appropriation is fucked up and we shouldn’t glorify Kim Kardashian’s cornrows, especially while schools are still reprimanding young black women for natural hairstyles.
7. Surprisingly, the doobie with consciousness! The doobie has been following Wagner’s career since she qualified for the 2014 Olympics. The doobie is especially envious of Wagner’s nimble body and wishes that it, too, could dance across the ice like a beautiful ballerina.
8. Shaun White. Not only would a tattoo gun just pierce right through a doobie, but also doobies don’t have any money for things like food, water or tattoos. Seriously, it’s starting to seem pretty inhumane to give a doobie consciousness.
9. Okay, okay. This one might have been a little obvious. It was the doobie with consciousness. Someone please just smoke it. This is all starting to hit too close to that one episode of Black Mirror.
10. Trick question! That was me, haha! Shaun, please call me back.