Super Bowl Sunday is just two days away and everyone across the country is sounding off about it. National villain Tom Brady is busy digging up the barrel of celebratory milk he buried last year, which he will drink Sunday regardless of how the game goes. Matthew who sits behind you in speech class and watches ‘Burn Notice’ on his Samsung Galaxy phone every day has made it clear that the Patriots will win because God wills it. No other opinions matter, though, because my tiny little nephew Devon has released his predictions: there’s gonna be some really cool bugs at the Super Bowl.
Devon has always been the smartest kid in his class. This kid knows shit. He once put a lego gun in the hand of a toy knight and told me “now the knight can’t be stopped.” He’s like a little Neil Degrasse Tyson without the smug persona; he’s an intellectual juggernaut. I caught up with Devon in his bedroom this week to hear more about his bold predictions.
EGGPLANT: “So Devon, who do you think is going to win the Super Bowl?”
Devon: “The bugs are gonna win. There are so many and they’re really cool.”
Eggplant: “You have a good point, but what about the Eagles? Eagles are cool.”
Devon: “Eagles are bald! Bugs are cool and hairy. They live in the grass, and the Super Bowl has sooo much grass! There’s gonna be all kinds of cool ants and spiders in there.”
He was right, of course. The field is enormous and eagles are dumb and bald. I was a fool for not having seen it for myself. Bugs are so cool. Devon had all the answers.
Devon: “One time, I found a white moth on the playground and I gave it to Emily because she said she liked snow and I told her she was pretty.”
Eggplant: “Whoa! That sounds like a very cool moth! Are there going to be any moths at the Super Bowl?”
Devon: “No, it’s more of a scorpions and spiders kind of place because of all the big lights making it very warm.”
Eggplant: “Are there any bugs you don’t like, Devon?”
Devon: “No! I even like the stinky dung beetles who play with poop; I think they’re funny. I hope there’s one at the Super Bowl.”
I don’t know about that one Devon, but I know there will be one big stinky turdpusher holding a brown ball: Tom Brady.