Friend That Never Binged ‘Master of None’ Feeling Inappropriately Self-Righteous Right About Now

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On Saturday, Aziz Ansari became Hollywood’s latest man on the chopping block for sexual misconduct allegations. Much to his chagrin, wearing a “Time’s Up!” pin to the Emmys and writing half-assed jokes mocking men that disrespect women weren’t enough for his part-time feminist agenda to keep him safe from the emboldened grips of people who actually understand what it means to, you know, support and protect women. Unfortunately, just as the voices of people supporting the victim are being drowned out by men attempting to justify Ansari’s actions, your voice is being drowned out by your shit head friend Dimitri Carlisle, who just wants it to be known that he never watched “Master of None.”

“It’s just that I have soOoOoOo many other TV shows to watch, including ‘Westworld’ and ‘Madmen’ for the third time,” stated Carlisle, who is reportedly a descendent of Rumpelstiltskin, a fairytale character that also got off on the misfortune of others. “I myself have never even seen a photo of Aziz Ansari, let alone watched any of his stand-up specials. I don’t really get comedy so I just avoid it all together. I also didn’t read his book, but mostly because I would never read any book that wasn’t ‘On the Road’ by Jack Kerouac.”

“He won’t stop raising his hand in our women’s studies class to let our professor know that he actually never even watched ‘Parks and Rec.’ He’s only taking this class for his upper division writing credit— he made that very clear on the first day,” explained Latifa Rockwell, the poor, unfortunate soul who is forced to sit next to Carlisle every Tuesday and Thursday in WST 3015 where she has to listen to him mouth breath and do a small whisper cheer for himself every time he is called on for attendance. “I’m guessing he’s a Leo considering how excited he was to brag about his obscure tastes in media on the back of a sexual assault case. Also, he won’t stop calling himself ‘El Presidente.’”

Ansari’s actions have the potential to inadvertently damage the careers of the other artists who helped create “Master of None” through no fault of their own. However, just as women will come together to support the victim of his sexual assault, they will also come together to protect Lena Waithe at all costs. Lena, in case you’re not getting our voicemails, we have already wired money to a hit-woman to take out James Cameron and Aaron Sorkin, so that you can secure your role as the queen of Hollywood and write and direct all of the things from here on out, including your new Showtime series ‘The Chi,’ airing Sundays at 10 PM EST.

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