Donald Trump announced Thursday that he will withdraw the United States from the Paris climate accord as the next step in his quest to undermine everything Barack Obama ever accomplished. While the U.S. is now one of only three countries that are not a part of the agreement and the only one without a valid excuse, Trump remains unbothered by the decaying state of the planet. He insists we can just flip it over to the cool side if it gets too hot, like he does with his pillow when he gets night sweats from his recurring dream of Anderson Cooper chasing him through the White House with a rake.
“This is a very good plan. It’s the best. I don’t care what the losers are saying about how it ‘doesn’t work that way’ and ‘the Earth isn’t flat’ and ‘your decision to pull out of the Paris climate accord is a monumentally bad choice that will have lasting negative consequences both politically and environmentally,’” explained Trump before lighting a copy of “An Inconvenient Truth” on fire with hot coals. “I am going to create so many jobs. The coal industry is most certainly not dying or outdated, think of all the things in the modern world powered by coal. Plus, think about how many people we will need to hire to flip the Earth to the cool side. It’s a tremendous plan.”
“It doesn’t matter what we give them because they always seem to fuck it up,” stated newly elected French President Emmanuel Macron, who gives Justin Trudeau a run for his money as Zaddy of the Neo Libs. “The Statue of Liberty? Worthless! Democracy? Never heard of her! We’re trying to save the world and what does Boo Boo the Fool do this time? He shoots a missile through the Ozone,” he added as he kissed a French baby on the head and apologized for the impending doom of the planet. “Sacré bleu. I hate Gemini season.”
Expert political analyst Steubin Toobin suspects that Trump has an ulterior motive. “It’s routine distraction, the same thing he’s been doing with executive orders since day one,” Toobin explained before quote-retweeting a CNN article to add his expert political analysis and then laughing maniacally at all the poor, naive Twitter users that once again fell into the trap of caring about things Trump does that will have negative consequences. “He’s been practicing the art of the cover-up for months, culminating to this extreme to hide what could be the most damning scandal in U.S. history: his misspelled tweet with the word ‘covfefe.’ If people cared about that for more than 12 hours, it would mean impeachment for sure.”
Despite negative feedback from other world leaders and every human who doesn’t want to evolve into a fish to survive after the year 2050, members of the GOP continue to support Trump’s new climate change policy. Sharing the principles of a drool-stained pillow, Trump’s policy aligns with conservative’s most valued environmental policy criterion: rejection of basic science.