Core Component of New White House Sexual Assault Prevention Effort Is Avoiding the President

Just a few days ago, April 2017 was declared Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month by President Donald Trump. Staffers and surrogates advocated on behalf of this new initiative as they worked their way through cable news shows that the President likely spent the whole day watching. President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions, desperate to continue mass incarceration in the U.S., seem confident in their decision to create a crime reduction task force under the guise of protecting American citizens, a surprising move after explicitly demonstrating a disregard for the health and welfare of American citizens. Among a few vague and half-hearted suggestions for moving forward in the White House proclamation is a paragraph which details the most important part of the Sexual Assault Prevention action plan: Avoiding the President.

“So this month, well, during all months, but especially this one, we encourage you to keep at least five feet between yourself and the President,” White House Aide Linda Horst told a group of female staffers about to brief Trump on a national security issue. “We also hope you ladies feel supported by our President’s desire to encourage and respect women and children. He passionately believes in locking every single perpetrator of sexual assault, with one exception, behind bars. We hope you agree with him that we need to encourage young boys to be allies with women and understand what healthy relationships look like. The White House would also like to note the President’s lead is exactly the opposite of the one young men should follow, and that while you ought to combat toxic masculinity like the president’s proclamation suggests, while you’re in the West Wing, it is best to not be in a room alone with him.”

Critics of the president claim this is a disgusting and hypocritical act masquerading as an attempt to protect women and children, while President Trump’s supporters say, “Uh, what’s wrong with a sexual assault prevention initiative? I thought you snowflakes would love that, but I guess you just can’t support anything Trump does. And you think I’m ignorant? My dad’s a lawyer and he sucks at his job. The job of fatherhood.”

Meanwhile, those without a strong position on Trump’s explicitly documented and self-professed history of sexual assault were able to keep their heads cool from the hot Florida sun by keeping it buried under the sand, excited to come out at night and ask people on Facebook, “Whatever happened to compromise?”