After Two Whole Weeks Without a Missile Strike, CNN Starting to Wonder if Trump Is a Pacifist

You may have been played, America. It's been 13 days since Pwesident Twump’s last decisive military action — or at least the last one to show up on my Facebook feed — and in the eyes of one reporter, that seems long enough for a childish warmonger to experience a complete change of heart. With so few fatal explosions and cries for help from minority countries, it’s probably safe to say that Trump is the next Gandhi: putting on a facade of Pacifism while he refuses his wife modern medicine due to a deep-rooted need for control.

“I think it’s obvious that he’s changed,” commented CNN political analyst Donovan Whitney, as he added another number tile to the ‘Days without a war crime’ board. “Sure. I may have been wrong about the whole ‘woke in disguise to point out the flaws in the American political system’ thing, but I'm pretty sure I'm onto something now. The man has definitely turned over a new leaf. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if he snatches a Nobel Peace Prize. Obama did it the first year of his presidency. Malala got one and all she had to do was suffer traumatic brain injury and risk her life fighting for the educational rights of women in the Middle East. Seems pretty easy, if you ask me!” Whitney then spritzed his rose-colored glasses with “soap juice” and whistled “Come Together” by The Beambles.

Seeing how well the normalization of fascism sells, news outlets all over the country have hopped onto Whitney’s Looney Toons theory of Trump having any form of self control when it comes to protecting humanity and valuing the lives of… every living thing on the planet! Trump’s new found unrivaled compassion has earned him praises including “Best at peace,” “Global-Humanist-in-Chief,” and “Foreign child lover.” Libertarian Quarterly has called Trump “The New Kissinger,” admiring his impressive powers of restraint in the face of innumerable innocent civilians.


“It’s nice to finally have someone cool headed in the office,” wrote Stephan Crimperton, reporter for Blind Hypocrite News. “Obama was always so recklessly throwing around America’s weaponry without any regard. I feel safer knowing that the power to end all life on Earth rests within arms reach of former property developer, Donald Trump. In fact, I haven’t felt this safe since George W. Bush sat on the Iron Throne with a lit stick of dynamite between his teeth,” he added, before continuing to polish a brass bust of Lyndon B. Johnson and murmuring something about Mikhail Gorbachev.