After news broke this weekend that President Trump removed Surgeon General Vivek Murthy from office, the nation and acting Surgeon General Trent-Adams were all wondering who would become the next king of the doctors. On Monday, Trump revealed his appointment: an unknown Russian teen that bore a slight resemblance to Doogie Howser, the only doctor that he trusts.
When asked to comment on the appointment, Trump voiced his complaints with the healthcare system. “Going to the doctor sucks. It’s the worst. You sit in a room and watch Dr. Phil until someone pulls you back to choke your arm and tell you how fat you are. Then a rude person in an ugly white suit comes in and puts a popsicle skeleton under your tongue and tells you to stop eating so many buffalo. It’s ridiculous,” said Trump while running a fork through his hair. “My new czar of doctors is smart, he’s so smart. He’s the next Doogie Howser, I swear to God. He’s going to find a cure for liberalism and frankly we’re all very excited.”
Former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy made many enemies in his three year term. He claimed gun control was a healthcare issue which upset the NRA and everyone without a functioning knowledge of how bullets interact with vital organs. Murthy also voiced concern over the safety of e-cigarettes, inciting the rage of Americans who yell at their girlfriends in public and make steampunk fan-art. “Not only will my new boy doctor tell Americans that guns and vaping are safe, but he will prove it by vaping gun grease at his swearing-in ceremony,” claimed Trump on Monday.
The Trump administration has not released any information about the Russian teen and many are growing suspicious. “They don’t even know this boy’s name,” said acting Surgeon General Sylvia Trent-Adams. “When I spoke to him over the phone it was all in loud Russian and what I think was Darude’s ‘Sandstorm.’ He refuses to wear anything but an Adidas tracksuit and I think he might be in the mob?”
The new teen king of medicine has yet to be confirmed, but many medical professionals across the country have already received AK-47 airsoft guns and T-Mobile Sidekicks in packages with the official Public Health Service seal. We tried to arrange an interview with the mystery teen, but received only assurances from White House Staff that “shit’s gonna be sick as hell, just chill out.”