Maintaining his reputation as a callously Dickensian cheapskate even in the face of tragic humanity, President Trump announced on Tuesday that Syria would pay for the 59 Tomahawk missiles fired at Shayrat airfield last week. The invoice, which Trump mailed personally, asks for “eight Mar-a-Lagos worth of money” to be paid in full immediately to offset the million-dollar-each catalysts for another expensive and aimless war.
“At first I just thought it was junk mail,” said bathrobe-clad Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad while placing a kitten in a blender. “You wouldn’t believe how many magazine promotions we get around here. I already get War Criminal Weekly, Blended Kitten Cuisine and Teen Vogue who, honestly, is doing a real great job these days. I’m a busy despot, and there’s only so much time to read, kill civilians and still maintain my Chris Brown vinyl collection.” When asked whether he would pay for the missiles, Assad said, “Nah, I’ll just have Papa Putin talk to Donny Bear for me.”
In an interview about the attack, President Trump said, “It’s a tremendous story, really, one of the best. So me and Vladdy Zaddy go down to Bashar’s place for drinks on Friday night. Now, we call him the Bashartender, and he pours heavy, believe me, he does. But I don’t really drink, so I’m downing these ‘uge Virgin Kittencolodas. I’m all like ‘Bashar, wouldn’t it be hilarious if I bombed your country to distract from my failing agenda while simultaneously distancing myself from Russia?’ And Bashar was like ‘Nah, you won’t do it, bro,’ and I was like ‘Watch this!’ So I moved on that country. I moved on that country and it was sovereign. When you’re a president, they let you do it. You can do anything.” The president went on to explain that he had intended to order 69 missiles, because “it’s the sex number.” However, while trying to impress fellow hate mongers,his faux slurred speech was interpreted as 59 by the crew of the U.S.S. Porter.
Many Americans were quick to draw parallels between Trump’s invoice to the Syrian regime and his largely-broken-and-almost-as-largely-forgotten promise of building a super duper wall along the southern border before coaxing reimbursement from Mexico through import taxes, or something. “This whole thing seems kinda fishy, ya know?” Said disheartened Trump supporter Bubs McGee, whose three brothers each died in three separate boating accidents while celebrating three separate University of Alabama National Championship victories. “First he couldn’t get it up and made a lot of excuses for why, so we Americans who were just waiting to get fucked by him overlooked it and figured he’d do better next week. But at this point it just feels like he’s overcompensating with flying, explosive phallic symbols.”