As America slips into the frothy darkness that some call the beginning of a dystopian Cormac McCarthy novel, pollsters are working tirelessly to capture the public’s reaction to the nation’s demise. With nothing better to do with their final days, these sad statisticians, most of whom have not experienced human contact since tenth grade band camp, continue to offer relevant insights for Congress to ignore. In one such poll, taken in late February, Americans reported a longing for more stable times, such as the Iraq War, the Watergate scandal and British colonialism.
“We found that most Americans between the ages of 18 and 315 view past tyrants more favorably than the current one,” said Jeffrey Figenbum of the Northeastern Polling Institute, while frantically closing a webpage entitled PollstersOnly.com: Find a Hole for Your Poll. “Even Nixon wasn’t this unpopular, and we pretty much voted him off the island. Topical humor! See what a catch I am? Mother says pollsters never find love on account of our sweaty hands and greasy hair, but she’ll see! They’ll all see!” Figenbum then stopped at each desk in the office to tell his Nixon joke, as the other pollsters gave him sticky high-fives and insisted that he try stand-up, because that’s totally how it works, Larry.
The NPI study asked respondents to rate leaders based on five dimensions that are strongly related to public opinion: integrity, experience, cheekbones, chin fat and likelihood of hunting humans for sport. Although many respondents used the ‘Likelihood to Hunt Humans for Sport’ portion to write in Dick Cheney and Aaron Burr, Vice Presidents who shot people do not fall within the parameters of the poll.
Godfrey Westchesterson IV, a 256 year-old retired blacksmith surveyed in the study said, “Maybe we were too hard on Ol’ Georgey Three back then. In hindsight, I’d say the whole revolution thing was a bit rash. I’m disappointed that we resorted to violence rather than reaching a rational compromise through mature discourse, because we all know how much Americans value rationality. And sure, Nixon and Bush undermined fundamental American principles, but they did it with so much style.” When asked about life in the colonies, Westchesterson took a sip from a mug labeled ‘Kitten Blood Immortality Cocktail’ and said, “Well, of course there was tyranny. A week’s worth of tea would cost you two chickens, a goat and your youngest daughter, but a Redcoat never once told me what piss trough to use.” He then put on a powdered wig and began shouting, “God save the King!” while researching bidet installation services.
The poll comes amid other troubling findings for the Trump Administration, including that nearly half of Americans believe the president has personally given Vladimir Putin a handjob. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has roundly denounced these allegations, noting that President Trump’s hands are simply too small to complete the task.