Compromise! President Offers Free Trump Steaks to All Detainees If Ban Reinstated

Noting record-low approval ratings, the President’s increasing hesitation to actually do the work required to run the government and the President’s decreasing hesitation to use the most important global position of power to benefit himself, the White House has announced that a compromise deal is in the works. The administration will concede no actual legal argument on the recent immigration ban, but if it is reinstated, the President has offered to give free Trump Steaks to anyone detained at an airport as a result. The legal strategy is being referred to as the, “Banking-on-American-Islamophobia-to-Win-Out-in-the-Public-and-the-Courts” defense. It is being referred to by opponents as “More evidence Trump lacks even a basic understanding of government operations.”

“Believe me, this deal is gonna be big, believe me, big for these detainees, believe me,” said the President as he watched Tucker Carlson Tonight, muttering, “bigly” and “come on” over and over again like a broken-down WestWorld drone. Then Paul Ryan, recovering from a full corpectomy and a guest on the Tucker Carlson Tonight program, implied President Trump was very generous for offering such a deal before concluding that the legal experts questioning the value of Trump Steaks in the immigration process were anti-refugee hypocrites, and that Ryan’s family should start looking him in the eye again.

Critics have asserted that not only does the  ban overtly target Muslim immigrants, but also that arriving refugees, temporary visa holders and legal US residents were unlawfully detained without legal counsel or access to a phone by Customs and Border Protection. Trump voters and ban-supporters have elatedly argued in favor of the bill, saying with glee that it not only overtly targets Muslim immigrants, but also that arriving refugees, temporary visa holders and legal US residents were detained without legal counsel or access to a phone by Customs and Border Protection.

A memo leaked by a “so-called” Department of Justice employee, whose body was recently found in a Siberian lake with the word “traitor” branded onto his forehead, includes details sure to have some Americans worried. While the President has stated repeatedly the steaks would be free, the new executive order would actually see the federal government buying the steaks from the Trump Organisation at a cost of $175 per steak. When asked about this by reporters, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer angrily licked the empty inside of his 19th pack of today’s Big Red ration, gulped down a Big Red gum smoothie for more time to disappoint Trump and the rest of the U.S., was bad at his job for two and a half minutes and then coped with his shame by screaming at the next reporter to ask him a question.


Story Update: At time of press, House Speaker Paul Ryan’s wife and children are still unable to make sustained eye contact with their now-gelatinous patriarch.