As February rolls in, New Year’s Resolutioners stop lying about their supposed love for cardio and return to their old lives, where delayed onset muscle soreness does not exist. In a combo move that’s just as predictable and disappointing as the drop in gym attendance 4 weeks after January 1st, local Good White Person™ Lawrence Boyd cancelled his membership to Gold’s and clicked “Not Going” to every March against the Muslim Ban event on Facebook this past Monday.
“There just hasn’t been an immigrant in my family for so many generations, so I can’t speak on behalf of the affected people. I also don’t listen, read or learn about the struggle of any minority group because that’s not my experience to intrude on,” Boyd said while checking the likes on his Facebook profile picture of him at the recent Women’s March and shoving his toe shoes into the abyss of his closet. “Besides, I just changed my profile picture a week ago. I won’t need to prove that I’m woke for a couple months.”
Boyd’s ex-girlfriend, Sheila Fuster, reportedly sent him books and articles about allyship and the plight of oppressed populations for years, continuing even after their breakup. “I thought he was actually learning when I saw him at the Women’s March, but then I saw his “Her Body, Her Choice” poster and remembered how much he likes the pullout method,” Fuster sighed while loading a pallet with 4 years’ worth of birth control onto the top shelf of her pantry. “I’ve also been trying to tell him that 30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week reduces his risk for cardiovascular disease by 40%, but at this point I’m ready to let the shithead die.”
Even Boyd’s grandmother, who could easily be turned into the archetype of an old racist white woman to prove a point in a satirical article, is disappointed in Boyd’s inaction and hypocrisy. “I miss when he would argue with the girls in my knitting club on Facebook. Lawrence is real bold for someone who can’t even do a seed stitch.” When asked if she was involved in any type of advocacy for populations that weren’t just white women, Grandma Boyd responded with, “What do you take me for, a Bozo? I may have heart problems but I’m not heartless.”
Though Boyd knows that allyship extends beyond protests and includes volunteering, donating money and goods to advocacy organizations and so much more, he can’t post pictures of himself calling out his friends’ problematic behaviour so he just doesn’t care. “Allyship… requiem….a lot of…motional...labor,” said Boyd, reading smudged words written in the palm of his hand. “I’ve already been to a legalize marijuana and a dump Trump rally! Just let me be complacent in the rise of fascism for a little bit!”