The White House is now scrambling to find an answer to a breaking New York Times report on newly obtained documents showing what appears to be the crayon-drawn prototype for a catapult designed to launch undocumented immigrants into Mexico. The drawing is crude and also features an incredibly muscular Donald Trump using hands drawn ten times as large as normal hands resetting the device after firing it. Though the image is disturbing, the gentle Wisteria Crayola color Donald Trump used adds an almost mockingly sensitive element to the piece.
“We can confirm this was a memo sent to high-level staff sometime last week,” said Press Secretary Sean Spicer after he exited the chewed-gum igloo behind the White House where he works. “We can also confirm that the serene, compassionate Wisteria he used to design the catapult is the only color he uses in any of his prolific crayon-drawn inventions which paper the residence’s fridge. Let it be clear that while the White House will not engage in mass deportations, we will find the cruelest and most inhumane possible way to deport immigrants individually.”
“We are going to engage in mass deportations, and who is this horrible suit trying to speak for me?” Said the surprisingly vulnerable President as he stared down at his shrinking pink crayon stub. “The Adios9000 is my most, believe me, my most impressive invention to date, and believe me I have had many impressive ones, really it’s true. This machine is gonna be so big, the cost of construction alone will serve as my administration’s $13 billion dollar infrastructure package. Then once we are done draining illegals, and we’ll get rid of them believe me, we can restore some sense of fiscal responsibility.”
At time of press, Republican leadership was seen walking to a brainstorm session with the President. Marco Rubio, afraid of being seen by constituents or the press, was reported to have entered the White House through the D.C. sewer system he now calls home. Paul Ryan was reportedly carrying his own favorite crayon, Maximum Yellow, and told reporters he was excited to have the opportunity to get creative with the new administration.