Gold-Hoarding Dragon Pleased With Tax Bill

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In its latest attempt to please its reptilian donors, the GOP is set to pass a tax bill with the lyrics to Shane McMahon’s “Here Comes the Money” hand scribbled in the margins of all 479 pages to ensure that future generations are buried beneath a swelling avalanche of debt. These millionaires, however, will stay afloat thanks to future refunds on their private jets and invisible boat mobiles. While the middle class grapples with an eventual tax increase and 13 million Americans await the loss of health care, Senator Reech the Dragon is ecstatic to know his 38.4 gazillion dollar fortune in plundered treasure will remain safe.

“Reech’s hobbies include eating civilians, setting fire to the tiny villages that poke the bottoms of Reech's feet as he tramples them and collecting unholy amounts of money but never spending any of it. It’s what’s best for human society. Reech loves money and doesn’t know why everyone isn’t rich because it’s awesome,” the dragon bellowed as he trampled through the U.S. Mint to satisfy his ancient fetish for cold, hard cash. “Most will suffer for the rest of their puny mortal lives if the bill passes, but that’s not Reech’s problem. He gets to keep his money. If people say they can’t save money because they have bills to pay then Reech says they aren’t trying hard enough.”

“If this bill passes, then I won’t be able to afford school anymore and dragon healthcare won’t cover basics like birth control and burn ointment. See, my main focus is on medicine but I majored in Dragonology. I wanna help those cheap, fire-breathing monsters whenever they’re sick,” mumbled graduate student Penny Baggins, confirming she was one of those weird girls in middle school who used to exclusively read manga and dragon encyclopedias. “These Republicans don’t realize how important it is for us to learn. We still need doctors to take care of them when they’re sick, lawyers to get them out of sticky legal situations and accountants to help them commit tons of fraud on federal levels...or whatever it is accountants do.”

Other college students like Baggins have prepared for the passing of the bill by living on the singular three-week old french fry they dropped in their car while hastily driving to the class they can’t even afford. Thanks to the actions of the GOP, it’s pretty obvious we’ve entered an alternate timeline where living in a soggy, studio cardboard box for $800/month (not including utilities) is slowly becoming a reality.